It’s a warm summer night, and J-Woww, Angelina, and Snookie are doing what they normally do: sitting in the rooftop hot tub and discussing what they were going to wear to the club that weekend. Pauly was downstairs on the Soloflex, and The Situation was at a very important dinner with Danny, who owned the t-shirt store where everyone worked. All was quiet and normal on the Jersey Shore.

Later that night, at dinner, Pauly asks Situation how things went with Danny.

“Things were cool, bro. He said he wants me to keep working at the t-shirt store. That our group here really sells a LOT of t-shirts for him and that I’m a big part of the team. I asked him about a raise, too.”

J-Woww looked up from her spaghetti and sausage, and took a huge drink of wine. “How’d that go?” she asked nervously.

“I got no complaints about that at all.”

“Awesome,” said Pauly. “You’re back at the t-shirt store for next few years! Let’s do a shot in celebration!”

“Not so fast, Pauly. The Situation has more of a situation to explain.”

He went on to say that he had no way of know if Danny threw out a fair offer.  He asked if he could hang onto Danny’s offer and see what else was out there. He wasn’t about to agree to sling t-shirts for the next three years without even knowing if the dollars Danny was talking about were good or bad. It had been years since he looked into other jobs … he had no idea what was fair and what was insulting and what was generous. He’d spend a few weeks looking at other opportunities and then he’d let Danny know. Danny totally understood.

Everyone at the table looked worried, but Situation assured them that nothing would change. “I don’t want to go anywhere. Youse my family, but I gotta get paid, right? Let me look around and when this is all done, we’ll still be together. Now Pauly … pour those shots!”

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

“Hey, Situation! What’s up with Danny? You guys get all squared away with your job down at the t-shirt store?” Sammi Sweetheart was yelling over the sounds of 5 hair dryers on full blast. Sammi and Situation both had the same job at the t-shirt store. If Situation left, Sammi would be left with a LOT of work … and she didn’t want that. She crossed her fingers and waited for his answer.

“No change, Sweetheart” shouted The Situation as he worked the get through his hair. “But I’m going to go talk to him again. A few other t-shirt stores were interested in doing something with me, but they were in California and Cali isn’t ready for The Situation. I even had some interest from people outside of the t-shirt industry. Cool to feel wanted, but my home is at the Jersey Shore. Danny’s money wasn’t the best … but it wasn’t the worst either. Time to work out a situation for The Situation.”

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

It was early on a Wednesday, and Situation’s head was pounding from party the night before. He was going to walk down to the t-shirt shop and meet with Danny, get everything official. He slid his arm out from under the chick he banged the night before. (Jessie or something like that. He met her at the mall.) He threw on his nicest wife-beater, gave an extra squirt of Drakkar, and was out the door. It wasn’t long before he realized he was being followed.

“Yo, why you all up in my space. You want to throw down? Let’s GO! Right now! You don’t want none of The Situation!” He made a mental note to stop letting Pauly give him those ‘pump up’ injections.

Turns out the person following him was from another t-shirt store in town, and he had an idea. Did The Situation want his OWN t-shirt shop right down the street from Danny’s place? Situation asked a LOT of questions of this mysterious stranger, and then sat down to think about all of his options. It was a tough choice. The money: it would be more than what Danny was offering. The shop wasn’t in great shape, but could totally be fixed up to something awesome. It would be a brand new adventure. It would be a chance to move out of the shore house he’s shared with so many others and into his own place.

Then he started to get sad. People not from the Jersey Shore have a hard time understanding this, but family is everything. Family first. His own place would be totally amazing … but it’d be lonely. The new t-shirt guy would let him pick his own roommates, but Situation thought of Pauly and Sammi and J-Woww and Angelina and Snookie. THOSE were his roommates. There are no better roommates.

The Situation stood up and made the hardest decision that he’s ever made. He walked down the boardwalk and into Danny’s t-shirt store and said “let’s make a deal, bro.”

Danny smiled. “I’m glad you are here. It’s going to be a great summer.” The Situation was confused, because they had only talked about doing a whole-year deal. Why would Danny only talk about the summer? But The Situation gets confused easily, so this was no big deal.

Danny slid the agreement across the table and pointed out where to sign. Everything was different. Is was only for the summer, and the pay wasn’t what they agreed to. It was a totally different arrangement!

“What the f*%k is this, Danny?!?” The Situation was mad.

“I changed my mind. It happens. Sign it.”

“Hell no, bro. I ain’t signing nothing. We had a deal. I made decisions about the rest of my life based on your deal. Why you gettin’ all shady on me right now, Danny?”

Danny explained that he still thought this was a fair deal and that Situation should sign it. The Situation didn’t like this situation, and thought that Danny shouldn’t be taking back an offer that he originally made … especially when that offer was the basis for passing on other opportunities.

The Situation stormed out and back to the house.

He KNEW Danny was a fierce negotiator, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. He told the roommates what happened and explained, with much sadness, that he only had one option left. Everyone cried when The Situation walked out of the house and in the direction of that other t-shirt shop … The Situation included.

Pauly called Danny and set up a meeting and begged and pleaded to make things work out.

J-Woww, Angelina, Snookie, and Sammi were all sad, and they called The Situation often and told him he’d be missed and asked what they could do.

The Situation even called Danny a few times. “Please put your original offer back on the table. Please. I WANT to come back. I just can’t do it like this. Don’t make this hard on everyone.” Danny responded by taking down all of the posters that were hanging in the t-shirt shop of The Situation. Customers started to ask questions, and the roommates tried to explain what was going on. But the t-shirt industry is a hard, complicated thing to explain.

Danny held firm. And the new t-shirt shop was great. The Situation was starting to get to know them and they were really being awesome and had all the right answers. He missed his family, but started to see how comfortable that he could be in the new place. He got the keys to his new place. The Situation was as happy as he’s ever been. And then he was as sad as he’s ever been. Then he was happy again. Then he was sad. And that’s the way the next couple of weeks went.

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club. But all wasn’t right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

Everyone took a break from the shore and went home to see their families for a couple of weeks, and when they came back, all the roommates except for The Situation gathered at Danny’s t-shirt store. They all explained to the customers as best they could, but things just weren’t the same. The Situation didn’t even look at the store, because he couldn’t bear to see everyone in his old place without him. He twirled around the keys to his own place in his pocket and knew that he had tried everything to stay. He thought of J-Woww’s friendship and Angelina fussing at him and Snookie laughing at all his jokes. He thought of Pauly and how they were the first roommates in the house and Sammi and how she kept everything together for all of them. He was sad. And he was bummed because when you get your own t-shirt store you should be thrilled beyond words.

The Situation walked into Danny’s office one last time. “Maybe you didn’t believe me, Danny. But look …”

He threw the keys down on the desk.

“Those are for the place right down the street from you. I haven’t used them yet, but I don’t have another choice. A man’s gotta eat. And my new girl, she shops A LOT! I need to take care of her.”

Danny looked up. “I know the roommates want to keep you. I’ve heard from some customers, too.”

The Situation interrupted him. “I’m here because of them. I need to know that if I am no longer part of that family, it’s 100% NOT because of me. I need to know, for me and for them, that I gave it all I could. It’s not too late, bro. We can work something out. But you hold the cards right now. What do you want to do?”

Outside the office, all of the roommates and a few customers were straining to hear. They gathered around close and pushed and shoved. Whispers of ‘what did he say’ and ‘who’s talking now’ were shushed mid sentence. It seemed like the whole world wanted to know what was going to happen next.

The Situation was nervous, but he didn’t show it. In the back of his mind, he could hear the commotion in the hall, and he wondered why everyone cared so much. But the fact that they did made him feel really, really good. Regardless of how this all turned out, The Situation was really glad he got to experience the process.

The hallway was silent.

Danny didn’t speak.

The Situation didn’t speak.

Then Danny stood up.

The Situation drew a breath in and looked him in the eye.  It was probably only 2 or 3 seconds, but seemed like 10 times that.

Danny spoke.  “Where do we start?”

The Situation took the deal from the other shop out of his pocket and passed it across the desk.  Danny unfolded it, read it, and folded it back up.  He rubbed his eyes and then looked back up at The Situation.

“Congratulations,” said Danny.  “Glad to have you back on the team.”  He extended his hand, and they shook.

The group in the hallway collectively let out their breath, and it sounded like a wave breaking on the beach in the middle of night.  Hearing the noise, Danny walked around the desk and shut the door.

Just a few minutes later, Danny and The Situation walked out of the office together, both smiling.  Danny disappeared pretty quickly, but The Situation stuck around and passed out hugs and high-fives and bought a round of shots.

Everything was back to normal and the way it was supposed to be on the Jersey Shore.

The Situation couldn’t wait to get back into the t-shirt shop, but he had one thing to do first.

He walked down the street to what could have been his place.  He pressed the key into the hand of the owner and hoped that they knew he was genuinely sad and disappointed.  They were willing to trust him with something very, very valuable.  Appreciation for that cannot be expressed in words, so he didn’t try beyond ‘thank you.’  Had the circumstances been different, it would have been the easiest decision ever.  But at this moment, it’s not the time.

He turned and started to walk away, and for a final time looked back over his shoulder at would could have been his.  He whispered one word to himself.

“Someday.”

And then he went home.

– The End –

It’s a warm summer night, and J-Woww, Angelina, and Snookie are doing what they normally do: sitting in the rooftop hot tub and discussing what they were going to wear to the club that weekend. Pauly was downstairs on the Soloflex, and The Situation was at a very important dinner with Danny, who owned the t-shirt store where everyone worked. All was quiet and normal on the Jersey Shore.

Later that night, at dinner, Pauly asks Situation how things went with Danny.

“Things were cool, bro. He said he wants me to keep working at the t-shirt store. That our group here really sells a LOT of t-shirts for him and that I’m a big part of the team. I asked him about a raise, too.”

J-Woww looked up from her spaghetti and sausage, and took a huge drink of wine. “How’d that go?” she asked nervously.

“I got no complaints about that at all.”

“Awesome,” said Pauly. “You’re back at the t-shirt store for next few years! Let’s do a shot in celebration!”

“Not so fast, Pauly. The Situation has more of a situation to explain.”

He went on to say that he had no way of know if Danny threw out a fair offer.  He asked if he could hang onto Danny’s offer and see what else was out there. He wasn’t about to agree to sling t-shirts for the next three years without even knowing if the dollars Danny was talking about were good or bad. It had been years since he looked into other jobs … he had no idea what was fair and what was insulting and what was generous. He’d spend a few weeks looking at other opportunities and then he’d let Danny know. Danny totally understood.

Everyone at the table looked worried, but Situation assured them that nothing would change. “I don’t want to go anywhere. Youse my family, but I gotta get paid, right? Let me look around and when this is all done, we’ll still be together. Now Pauly … pour those shots!”

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

“Hey, Situation! What’s up with Danny? You guys get all squared away with your job down at the t-shirt store?” Sammi Sweetheart was yelling over the sounds of 5 hair dryers on full blast. Sammi and Situation both had the same job at the t-shirt store. If Situation left, Sammi would be left with a LOT of work … and she didn’t want that. She crossed her fingers and waited for his answer.

“No change, Sweetheart” shouted The Situation as he worked the get through his hair. “But I’m going to go talk to him again. A few other t-shirt stores were interested in doing something with me, but they were in California and Cali isn’t ready for The Situation. I even had some interest from people outside of the t-shirt industry. Cool to feel wanted, but my home is at the Jersey Shore. Danny’s money wasn’t the best … but it wasn’t the worst either. Time to work out a situation for The Situation.”

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

It was early on a Wednesday, and Situation’s head was pounding from party the night before. He was going to walk down to the t-shirt shop and meet with Danny, get everything official. He slid his arm out from under the chick he banged the night before. (Jessie or something like that. He met her at the mall.) He threw on his nicest wife-beater, gave an extra squirt of Drakkar, and was out the door. It wasn’t long before he realized he was being followed.

“Yo, why you all up in my space. You want to throw down? Let’s GO! Right now! You don’t want none of The Situation!” He made a mental note to stop letting Pauly give him those ‘pump up’ injections.

Turns out the person following him was from another t-shirt store in town, and he had an idea. Did The Situation want his OWN t-shirt shop right down the street from Danny’s place? Situation asked a LOT of questions of this mysterious stranger, and then sat down to think about all of his options. It was a tough choice. The money: it would be more than what Danny was offering. The shop wasn’t in great shape, but could totally be fixed up to something awesome. It would be a brand new adventure. It would be a chance to move out of the shore house he’s shared with so many others and into his own place.

Then he started to get sad. People not from the Jersey Shore have a hard time understanding this, but family is everything. Family first. His own place would be totally amazing … but it’d be lonely. The new t-shirt guy would let him pick his own roommates, but Situation thought of Pauly and Sammi and J-Woww and Angelina and Snookie. THOSE were his roommates. There are no better roommates.

The Situation stood up and made the hardest decision that he’s ever made. He walked down the boardwalk and into Danny’s t-shirt store and said “let’s make a deal, bro.”

Danny smiled. “I’m glad you are here. It’s going to be a great summer.” The Situation was confused, because they had only talked about doing a whole-year deal. Why would Danny only talk about the summer? But The Situation gets confused easily, so this was no big deal.

Danny slid the agreement across the table and pointed out where to sign. Everything was different. Is was only for the summer, and the pay wasn’t what they agreed to. It was a totally different arrangement!

“What the f*%k is this, Danny?!?” The Situation was mad.

“I changed my mind. It happens. Sign it.”

“Hell no, bro. I ain’t signing nothing. We had a deal. I made decisions about the rest of my life based on your deal. Why you gettin’ all shady on me right now, Danny?”

Danny explained that he still thought this was a fair deal and that Situation should sign it. The Situation didn’t like this situation, and thought that Danny shouldn’t be taking back an offer that he originally made … especially when that offer was the basis for passing on other opportunities.

The Situation stormed out and back to the house.

He KNEW Danny was a fierce negotiator, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. He told the roommates what happened and explained, with much sadness, that he only had one option left. Everyone cried when The Situation walked out of the house and in the direction of that other t-shirt shop … The Situation included.

Pauly called Danny and set up a meeting and begged and pleaded to make things work out.

J-Woww, Angelina, Snookie, and Sammi were all sad, and they called The Situation often and told him he’d be missed and asked what they could do.

The Situation even called Danny a few times. “Please put your original offer back on the table. Please. I WANT to come back. I just can’t do it like this. Don’t make this hard on everyone.” Danny responded by taking down all of the posters that were hanging in the t-shirt shop of The Situation. Customers started to ask questions, and the roommates tried to explain what was going on. But the t-shirt industry is a hard, complicated thing to explain.

Danny held firm. And the new t-shirt shop was great. The Situation was starting to get to know them and they were really being awesome and had all the right answers. He missed his family, but started to see how comfortable that he could be in the new place. He got the keys to his new place. The Situation was as happy as he’s ever been. And then he was as sad as he’s ever been. Then he was happy again. Then he was sad. And that’s the way the next couple of weeks went.

Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club. But all wasn’t right on the Jersey Shore.

**********

Everyone took a break from the shore and went home to see their families for a couple of weeks, and when they came back, all the roommates except for The Situation gathered at Danny’s t-shirt store. They all explained to the customers as best they could, but things just weren’t the same. The Situation didn’t even look at the store, because he couldn’t bear to see everyone in his old place without him. He twirled around the keys to his own place in his pocket and knew that he had tried everything to stay. He thought of J-Woww’s friendship and Angelina fussing at him and Snookie laughing at all his jokes. He thought of Pauly and how they were the first roommates in the house and Sammi and how she kept everything together for all of them. He was sad. And he was bummed because when you get your own t-shirt store you should be thrilled beyond words.

The Situation walked into Danny’s office one last time. “Maybe you didn’t believe me, Danny. But look …”

He threw the keys down on the desk.

“Those are for the place right down the street from you. I haven’t used them yet, but I don’t have another choice. A man’s gotta eat. And my new girl, she shops A LOT! I need to take care of her.”

Danny looked up. “I know the roommates want to keep you. I’ve heard from some customers, too.”

The Situation interrupted him. “I’m here because of them. I need to know that if I am no longer part of that family, it’s 100% NOT because of me. I need to know, for me and for them, that I gave it all I could. It’s not too late, bro. We can work something out. But you hold the cards right now. What do you want to do?”

Outside the office, all of the roommates and a few customers were straining to hear. They gathered around close and pushed and shoved. Whispers of ‘what did he say’ and ‘who’s talking now’ were shushed mid sentence. It seemed like the whole world wanted to know what was going to happen next.

The Situation was nervous, but he didn’t show it. In the back of his mind, he could hear the commotion in the hall, and he wondered why everyone cared so much. But the fact that they did made him feel really, really good. Regardless of how this all turned out, The Situation was really glad he got to experience the process.

The hallway was silent.

Danny didn’t speak.

The Situation didn’t speak.

Then Danny stood up.

… to be continued …

Listen … I’m the first person to say that I should be worshiped … but it’s getting a bit much, don’t ya think?  Almost a little Ferris Bueller-esqe?

A new day, a new update from Rodney Ho at the AJC.  Read all about it here.

“Oh, he’s very popular, Ed.  The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads — they all adore him.

They think he’s a righteous dude.”

I promise: definite answers tomorrow.  I’m sorry this is dragging on soooo looooooong.

And, I have a dandy tale to tell.  Just need to figure out the best way to do it.  I think I have an idea.

Talk to you soon …

I don’t have one.  Maybe (hopefully) tomorrow.

I am thankful that of all the weeks this could happen, this is the one.  Job or no job, I have no interest in temperatures of 15 degrees, and prefer to stay in bed under lots of blankets.  I left Syracuse to avoid this crap.

Speaking of the ‘Cuse, enjoy these pictures from my Mom and Dad, enjoying some of Upstate NY’s finest white stuff:

That’s what 15 inches looks like.  (That’s what she said.)

Once all this craziness is behind me, I really think I am going to make and stick to some 2010 resolutions.  I normally make birthday resolutions, but didn’t do that last birthday … so I owe myself.

• 10 ways to get motivated for change in 2010
• Realistic Resolutions From Dr. Oz

Rodney Ho did another updated piece on the radio excitement, and you can read it here.  The support of me in the comments is appreciated, the criticism is expected.  But some readers get pretty mean about others on the show, especially Wendy.  That is not warranted.  I don’t agree with what people have been writing, and I am sick that Wendy has been subjected to such cruel commentary because of something connected to me.  She works a miserable split shift, always has a great attitude, and goes above and beyond without complaint, and has earned her slot on the show through hard work.  I don’t share your views, and think I am more qualified to pass judgment because I see her every day (or saw her every day) and have worked with her for years.  She’s also become a great friend of both Jessica’s and mine.  If it bothers you that much, use the buttons on your radio.  But don’t use the shadows of the internet to be cruel for no reason.  If you send us true criticism, we will read it and consider it.  If you are being mean for no reason other than to be mean … you get deleted and only wasted your own time.

Thank you again for all of the support.  I appreciate tremendously.  I will update here as events warrant.

Today I am your champion.
I may have won your hearts.
But I know the game,
You will forget my name,
And I won’t be here
In another year,
If I don’t stay on the charts.

p.s.  It’s not all about money.

10 things:

1.  Calls, texts, emails, Facebook, Twitter, carrier pigeon, pony express, etc.  I seriously am humbled (no small feat) by the avalanche of kind words and positive energy.  I’m not used to being humbled, so now I am embarassed.  I want to hide from the kindness, but I sorta like it.  THANK YOU!  A million thank yous.

2.  I will be fine. FINE.  F-I-N-E.  I say that because many people have said ‘are you OK’ and I think ‘it’s only a job, some people are dealing with cancer or an aortic blood clot or running out of ranch dressing or something serious.’  So, while I might be inconvenienced and potentially homeless, I am fine.

3.  This is still a ‘pending negotiation.’  I have not left The Bert Show and Q100.  Sometimes these things get … um … challenging.  Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to do something and your parents said ‘no’ and you got mad at them so you ran away but only to behind your garage and you thought like 6 days had passed so you went home but it was only 45 minutes and your Mom still loved you?  This process is nothing like that.  This process is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced, which is why I had to insert a totally pointless analogy.

4.  Jessica is OK, too.  Sasha and Goo-Goo are fine as well.

5.  This is not a stunt or prank or anything like that.  Either is this.

6.  Melissa gave me a Snuggie for Christmas.  It is, hands-down, the most-used gift of the ‘09 holiday season.  Holla!

7.  I will have answers this week.  I promise.  If no answers, then I promise to promise you answers the following week.

8.  What have I been doing?  De-cluttering the house.  Trying to think of resolutions that I won’t break till March.  Searching CumulusJobs.com Monster.com.  Hanging with friends and spending time alone.  Not drinking as much as I would have thought I would have been.

9.  I did not ask to be removed from the Q100 website.  I found out about it in a pair of text messages.  The first was from Tracey, the second from AJC reporter Rodney Ho.  Rodney blogged about that on AJC.com / AccessAtlanta.com.  Read it here, if you are so inclined.

10.  Thank you, again, for the support and concern.  I promise that as soon as I have definite news to share, I will do so here, and on Twitter, and on Facebook, and (hopefully) on the radio.

The Oatmeal has a must-read blog post that will not only make you seem smarter, but may also preserve our friendship.  Go there now.

The Ten Words You Need To Stop Misspelling

(And when you are there, click over to his post on the Ten Things You Need To Stop Tweeting About.  Thank me later.

99% of parodies suck.  This one doesn’t.

In 2005, Jessica and I went to Savannah for Halloween 2005.  The following story is true, and happened during our visit.  I told it on the air right after our visit, and a replay is requested each Halloween.  Here it is:

Jessica and I went to Savannah for the weekend and decided to take a ghost tour and made a reservation for one that was advertised in the hotel lobby.

After dinner, we started our tour at one of the many town squares.  One of the stories told that night was about a young girl named Joni.  Joni was a slave girl that lived in the mid-1800s, and was owned by a wealthy Savannah family.   Because she was too young to work in the fields or stables, her main job was to be a playmate to the children of this family.  Back in the mid-1800’s, there were no playgrounds or jungle gyms or school yards or parks.   The only large grassy area where children could play in was the  cemetery.  So Joni would play every single day in a cemetery.

If you go to Savannah and visit the cemetery today you’ll see that many of the tombs are built a couple of feet above ground, with what looks like a cemented over doorway leading down into the earth.  Back in Joni’s time, these passages were wide open!   If you were a child playing in the cemetery you could climb down into the tombs.  You could hide on the shelves where bodies would someday lie, and you might even find a bone or a skull among the rotted caskets.  This is where Joni played.  And according to legend, she knew the cemetery better than any of the other kids in the neighborhood.

Only a year and a half after Joni was brought to Savannah, she died in a tragic accident at her home — she fell out of a window and hit her head on the brick road beneath.   She never woke up and was buried in a part of the cemetery reserved for slaves … tragically, this was the same cemetery where she used to laugh and play almost every day!

The ghost tour guide said that if you went to the cemetery at night and started running around, jumping, cheering, playing, laughing and doing other silly things as a seven or eight-year-old might do then Joni might just join you, as long as you were inside the cemetery.  The legend said Joni would never leave her beautiful, grassy playground.  Senior citizens who were just kids in Savannah in the early 1900’s talk about getting called home to dinner and standing on their front porch waving at the little girl in the tattered clothes just inside the cemetery gates.  Their Mom and Dad would look on puzzled, because there was no one there.

Our tour guide told us to make sure we wave to Joni behind the gates after we play with her, so she knows we had fun.

After the ghost tour, Jess and I stopped at a bar for a few drinks, and then walked back to our hotel.  We intentionally passed the cemetery, because it was Savannah and Halloween weekend and that’s what you do.  We wanted to see if we could see anything – not necessarily a ghost or Joni — but even some of the freaky ghost hunters holding a seance or doing whatever they do.

Next to the cemetery is a children’s playground with all the usual toys: a swing set, a jungle gym, a slide, a teeter-totter, monkey bars.  I was standing at the iron fence, looking into the cemetery.  Jessica was behind me.  I was studying the shadows and the tombstones, looking for activity.  I could hear Jess goofing around on the playground stuff.  At one point, she asked me if I would ask Joni become over the fence and say hi or push her on the swing.  I laughed at that and promised that would let her know if I saw any little girls.  I reminded her that she would have to go INTO to cemetery to play with Joni.  She responded with a definite ‘no, way!’

It was probably less than two minutes later, when Jessica broke the silence again.   But this time, it was a startled scream.  I turned toward her to see her backing away from the playground equipment, staring at something on the ground.   Her gaze was fixed on whatever was before her, and she almost tripped on some tree roots as she moved quickly backwards.  I thought for a second that she was screwing with me, but she had the look of real concern on her face.  I made my way over to her, studying the ground to find the snake, bug, or whatever else it was that freaked her out.

I reached her in only a few seconds and asked her what was wrong.  I could tell by the expression on her face that what she was going to say was not a joke and was more significant than a bug running in front of her.   She told me that she was swaying from the monkey bars.  Nothing elaborate, just pulling herself up and taking her feet off the ground and moving one from one end to the other end.   At the end, she’d jump down, turn around, and go back the other way.  Standard issue monkey bar activity.  She doesn’t remember how many times she went back and forth, but she soon became bored and started to walk over to where I was standing.  She insists that as she was walking away, she felt a small hand slip into her own and pull her back towards the jungle gym — hard.  She knows lost her breath at this point, and despite wanting to scream, she couldn’t.  She instinctively yanked her hand away and looked towards where a child should be standing, and of course, no one was there.  Her first thought was that Joni was with her, and that she shouldn’t be scared.  She swears that she heard a child speak the words “I just want to play with you.  Please don’t be scared.”  But she was, and she couldn’t help herself, and she screamed.

I initially laughed, but there was no reasoning with her.  The ghost tour, the alcohol, the long day in the car, Halloween weekend in America’s most haunted city.  Nothing would make Jessica believe this was only in her mind.  We walked briskly back to the hotel and fell asleep talking about Joni.  Luckily the alcohol helped us doze, or else we would have been up all night.

Of course, our little adventure was the main topic of conversation at breakfast the next morning.   Well rested and sober, Jessica was much more willing to dismiss the entire incident as a mind trick … something she just imagined and made real because of where we were, when we were there, and what we heard.   There is no such thing as ghosts, and if the story of little Joni’s life and death was true, we were certain she was resting comfortably, six feet underground.  If she could haunt, we decided it was quite unlikely she’d be trying to play with a drunken woman too tall to swing with her on the monkey bars after one in the morning.

The next night we’re doing some exploring on our own, mainly searching for the bench Forrest Gump sat on to eat his box of chocolates.   We found where it used to stand — it’s now been replaced by a cement wall — and Jessica recognized the church from the beginning of the movie just down the street.   This is the church with a tall steeple that the feather falls out of at the start of the film.  I don’t remember it, but decided to snap a picture anyway.  The first picture came out okay, but as I’m still playing with my new camera, I took a couple more, making minor adjustments each time.  About three pictures in, I noticed two distinct orbs floating near the steeple.

If you’ve seen any pictures on the Internet of what a ghost on film supposedly looks like, this is it.  They often appear as random orbs floating in a picture, and that’s exactly what this was.  I showed it to Jessica asked if she thought I just caught a ghost on film.

She replied “Maybe it’s Joni.”

I continued taking pictures and Jessica, as a joke, cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted toward the steeple “Joni, if that’s you, tell all your friends to get in close so we can take a group picture.”

If I wasn’t the photographer I would not believe these pictures at all.  In the next shot, there were several more orbs floating around.  In the shot after that, even more.  If these orbs really are ghosts, then there were maybe twenty to thirty ghosts in my picture.   I was no longer making any adjustments to the camera.  I was shooting one picture after another, and will offer these photographs for anyone to inspect in their unaltered format.

Jessica suggested I take some pictures of the side of my car – a completely black surface – to see if the orbs appear there as well.  They didn’t.

Pictures shot of other parts of the sky yielded no orbs.  It was spooky, and unexplainable.  Again, the spirits of Savannah dominated the conversation during our walk back to the hotel.  As we were both sober, it was a bit harder to fall asleep.

Sunday morning we got up early to make our way back to Atlanta.  By 9:30 we were checked out, and at the Savannah Starbucks so Jessica could get her mocha venti whatever.

When she came back to the car, she was not alone.  She had with her an older gentleman who was headed down to River Street to hand out brochures for his night-time ghost tour.  He was in line ahead of Jessica, and they struck up a conversation.   In the time it took her milk to foam, she managed to tell him about the steeple orbs and convince him to come out to the car and look at our pictures.

He was quite sure that the images in our pictures were spirits.  He was also impressed that there were so many of them.   I told them that Jessica had asked Joni to gather her friends around for the picture, and maybe that’s what happened.  I made a joke about staying in Savannah one extra night and jumping the fence of the cemetery so we could go in and thank little Miss Joni in person when she appears to play with us.  Our new friend laughed told us a story.

He explained that Savannah is literally a city that’s built upon its dead.  They don’t treat graves with the respect they deserve.  For example, the new high-end hotel in town couldn’t put in their underground parking garage because when they started digging, they found hundreds of graves.   So instead they just fill them back in and poured the cement over and build upon the dead – or in that case, park upon the dead.

Unfortunately, most of the slave graves of the 1800’s were unmarked, and therefore built upon when space to expand the city was needed.  So, to thank Joni, you don’t actually have to walk through a gate.  You simply have to go to where the slaves were buried, just outside the cemetery of today’s walls.

“It’s easy to find,” said the ghost hunter.  “It’s where the children’s playground now stands.”

(Click the map for locations mentioned in this story.)