JERSEY SHORE: T-SHIRT DRAMA
It’s a warm summer night, and J-Woww, Angelina, and Snookie are doing what they normally do: sitting in the rooftop hot tub and discussing what they were going to wear to the club that weekend. Pauly was downstairs on the Soloflex, and The Situation was at a very important dinner with Danny, who owned the t-shirt store where everyone worked. All was quiet and normal on the Jersey Shore.
Later that night, at dinner, Pauly asks Situation how things went with Danny.
“Things were cool, bro. He said he wants me to keep working at the t-shirt store. That our group here really sells a LOT of t-shirts for him and that I’m a big part of the team. I asked him about a raise, too.”
J-Woww looked up from her spaghetti and sausage, and took a huge drink of wine. “How’d that go?” she asked nervously.
“I got no complaints about that at all.”
“Awesome,” said Pauly. “You’re back at the t-shirt store for next few years! Let’s do a shot in celebration!”
“Not so fast, Pauly. The Situation has more of a situation to explain.”
He went on to say that he had no way of know if Danny threw out a fair offer. He asked if he could hang onto Danny’s offer and see what else was out there. He wasn’t about to agree to sling t-shirts for the next three years without even knowing if the dollars Danny was talking about were good or bad. It had been years since he looked into other jobs … he had no idea what was fair and what was insulting and what was generous. He’d spend a few weeks looking at other opportunities and then he’d let Danny know. Danny totally understood.
Everyone at the table looked worried, but Situation assured them that nothing would change. “I don’t want to go anywhere. Youse my family, but I gotta get paid, right? Let me look around and when this is all done, we’ll still be together. Now Pauly … pour those shots!”
Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.
**********
“Hey, Situation! What’s up with Danny? You guys get all squared away with your job down at the t-shirt store?” Sammi Sweetheart was yelling over the sounds of 5 hair dryers on full blast. Sammi and Situation both had the same job at the t-shirt store. If Situation left, Sammi would be left with a LOT of work … and she didn’t want that. She crossed her fingers and waited for his answer.
“No change, Sweetheart” shouted The Situation as he worked the get through his hair. “But I’m going to go talk to him again. A few other t-shirt stores were interested in doing something with me, but they were in California and Cali isn’t ready for The Situation. I even had some interest from people outside of the t-shirt industry. Cool to feel wanted, but my home is at the Jersey Shore. Danny’s money wasn’t the best … but it wasn’t the worst either. Time to work out a situation for The Situation.”
Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club and all was right on the Jersey Shore.
**********
It was early on a Wednesday, and Situation’s head was pounding from party the night before. He was going to walk down to the t-shirt shop and meet with Danny, get everything official. He slid his arm out from under the chick he banged the night before. (Jessie or something like that. He met her at the mall.) He threw on his nicest wife-beater, gave an extra squirt of Drakkar, and was out the door. It wasn’t long before he realized he was being followed.
“Yo, why you all up in my space. You want to throw down? Let’s GO! Right now! You don’t want none of The Situation!” He made a mental note to stop letting Pauly give him those ‘pump up’ injections.
Turns out the person following him was from another t-shirt store in town, and he had an idea. Did The Situation want his OWN t-shirt shop right down the street from Danny’s place? Situation asked a LOT of questions of this mysterious stranger, and then sat down to think about all of his options. It was a tough choice. The money: it would be more than what Danny was offering. The shop wasn’t in great shape, but could totally be fixed up to something awesome. It would be a brand new adventure. It would be a chance to move out of the shore house he’s shared with so many others and into his own place.
Then he started to get sad. People not from the Jersey Shore have a hard time understanding this, but family is everything. Family first. His own place would be totally amazing … but it’d be lonely. The new t-shirt guy would let him pick his own roommates, but Situation thought of Pauly and Sammi and J-Woww and Angelina and Snookie. THOSE were his roommates. There are no better roommates.
The Situation stood up and made the hardest decision that he’s ever made. He walked down the boardwalk and into Danny’s t-shirt store and said “let’s make a deal, bro.”
Danny smiled. “I’m glad you are here. It’s going to be a great summer.” The Situation was confused, because they had only talked about doing a whole-year deal. Why would Danny only talk about the summer? But The Situation gets confused easily, so this was no big deal.
Danny slid the agreement across the table and pointed out where to sign. Everything was different. Is was only for the summer, and the pay wasn’t what they agreed to. It was a totally different arrangement!
“What the f*%k is this, Danny?!?” The Situation was mad.
“I changed my mind. It happens. Sign it.”
“Hell no, bro. I ain’t signing nothing. We had a deal. I made decisions about the rest of my life based on your deal. Why you gettin’ all shady on me right now, Danny?”
Danny explained that he still thought this was a fair deal and that Situation should sign it. The Situation didn’t like this situation, and thought that Danny shouldn’t be taking back an offer that he originally made … especially when that offer was the basis for passing on other opportunities.
The Situation stormed out and back to the house.
He KNEW Danny was a fierce negotiator, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. He told the roommates what happened and explained, with much sadness, that he only had one option left. Everyone cried when The Situation walked out of the house and in the direction of that other t-shirt shop … The Situation included.
Pauly called Danny and set up a meeting and begged and pleaded to make things work out.
J-Woww, Angelina, Snookie, and Sammi were all sad, and they called The Situation often and told him he’d be missed and asked what they could do.
The Situation even called Danny a few times. “Please put your original offer back on the table. Please. I WANT to come back. I just can’t do it like this. Don’t make this hard on everyone.” Danny responded by taking down all of the posters that were hanging in the t-shirt shop of The Situation. Customers started to ask questions, and the roommates tried to explain what was going on. But the t-shirt industry is a hard, complicated thing to explain.
Danny held firm. And the new t-shirt shop was great. The Situation was starting to get to know them and they were really being awesome and had all the right answers. He missed his family, but started to see how comfortable that he could be in the new place. He got the keys to his new place. The Situation was as happy as he’s ever been. And then he was as sad as he’s ever been. Then he was happy again. Then he was sad. And that’s the way the next couple of weeks went.
Everyone laughed and drank and had unprotected sex with strangers from the club. But all wasn’t right on the Jersey Shore.
**********
Everyone took a break from the shore and went home to see their families for a couple of weeks, and when they came back, all the roommates except for The Situation gathered at Danny’s t-shirt store. They all explained to the customers as best they could, but things just weren’t the same. The Situation didn’t even look at the store, because he couldn’t bear to see everyone in his old place without him. He twirled around the keys to his own place in his pocket and knew that he had tried everything to stay. He thought of J-Woww’s friendship and Angelina fussing at him and Snookie laughing at all his jokes. He thought of Pauly and how they were the first roommates in the house and Sammi and how she kept everything together for all of them. He was sad. And he was bummed because when you get your own t-shirt store you should be thrilled beyond words.
The Situation walked into Danny’s office one last time. “Maybe you didn’t believe me, Danny. But look …”
He threw the keys down on the desk.
“Those are for the place right down the street from you. I haven’t used them yet, but I don’t have another choice. A man’s gotta eat. And my new girl, she shops A LOT! I need to take care of her.”
Danny looked up. “I know the roommates want to keep you. I’ve heard from some customers, too.”
The Situation interrupted him. “I’m here because of them. I need to know that if I am no longer part of that family, it’s 100% NOT because of me. I need to know, for me and for them, that I gave it all I could. It’s not too late, bro. We can work something out. But you hold the cards right now. What do you want to do?”
Outside the office, all of the roommates and a few customers were straining to hear. They gathered around close and pushed and shoved. Whispers of ‘what did he say’ and ‘who’s talking now’ were shushed mid sentence. It seemed like the whole world wanted to know what was going to happen next.
The Situation was nervous, but he didn’t show it. In the back of his mind, he could hear the commotion in the hall, and he wondered why everyone cared so much. But the fact that they did made him feel really, really good. Regardless of how this all turned out, The Situation was really glad he got to experience the process.
The hallway was silent.
Danny didn’t speak.
The Situation didn’t speak.
Then Danny stood up.
… to be continued …
Great read Jeff, can’t wait for your new show!
I think it’s ridiculous that people keep using the economy as an excuse to just “sit and wait.” That’s the reason why people end up stuck in a rut – they use whatever they can as a reason to not ever strive for something more, for something better. Anyway, loved this post. Looking forward to the conclusion!
i hope this means you are back … please please please let this mean that you’re back! I will be listening tomorrow at 730 am
Oh dear….I think Danny thinks The Situation was bluffing and also underestimated the value The Situation brought to the house.
You need a partner? Get in touch with Mike O’Meara in DC — Bert can vouch for him.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh Dude!!! Why you leaving me hanging??? Totally missing you from the show, PRAYING for good news… it’s just not the same without the full crew!! Either way, good luck and God Bless in all you do!
Slow – you’re a dickwad, you sound just like my bitter unemployed jackass friend who’s expecting a handout (“be happy you got a job, waa waa waa)
Shut the f*** up…if you got off your ignorant uneducated ass and were able to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF (like JEFF), then you too CAN NEGOTIATE AND find employment (EVEN IN A RECESSION) you moron.
Love you Jeff!!
Well I’m damn glad it’s January and the shows are all starting up again and not going into hiatus for a few months, even Jersey Shore….I’m just sad I could even follow something linked to Jersey Shore…but it was brilliant.
You’re a dick! (joking)
Can’t believe that you left me hanging like that!
Can’t wait til tomorrow morning…
I’m a huge fan of The Situation and you are the MAIN reason I visit the store. Should Danny not offer something reasonable, don’t beat yourself up about moving on to your own store. You’ve done everything you can and when you thought all decisions had been made, you were still humble enough to go back to Danny and inquire again to see if anything could be done – Your roomates will totally understand. There might just be something bigger in store for you! No matter the outcome just give me an update so I know if I’ll be shopping at a new t-shirt store or if I’ll still be wearing the same worn-in comfortable t-shirts!
Sounds like the Situation could bust a move on the legal dance floor of Beach of Contract, the hottest new club at the shore…
If the Situation wanted to.
I’m worried that you being able to discuss The Situation’s situation means that you had to walk away since you are able to lay out the ugly details. But I’m still going to remain an optimist!
Using the glass is half full mindset, if you come back, I’ll be visiting my favorite t-shirt shop and if you open up your own, I’ll get to have twice as many favorite shops.
Good luck with all of your endeavors!
I would love it if The Situation got his own shop. The only reason I bother with the current store is because The Situation is the only sane one in the shop.
I remember the day after the election, the situation walked down the hall to vent and get away from all of the hoopla in the shop. I followed him on the dial like I was walking behind him down the hall. Then went back to the shop with him when he returned. It seemed like he was finally able to be real when he went down the hall to The Regular t-shirt shop for guys.
He’s the only one that calls BS on his family when they get outta hand. The shop will be a wreck without him. I won’t hang around to listen to the demise.
Situation, I totally feel ya dawg on the family thing, but you gotta take care of you and yours.
All I ask is that you don’t leave the ATL (not Hotlanta, take note, did not say Hotlanta). You make the only bareable morning show bareable since 99x and Toucher shut down. Boy, Cumulus really botched that deal as well. Guess they figure they know whats best for good radio. My guess? I guess they figured wrong.
This English High School teacher gives you an ‘A’ for a great story! Love the allusion spinned with facts and sprinkles of truth and consequence given for good measure.
Please give us the ending. I am sad. I don’t think it has a happy ending
Seriously? How can you leave us hanging like that? It’s just mean! We’re all totally invested in this, except Slow, apparently, but who needs him? Please give us a better update…I can’t wait for 7:30 tomorrow…
If I were The Situation, I would go to the new t-shirt shop. You would be a leader not a follower!
Wait, is the Situation supposed to be you?
Wow! What an awesome, amazing story! As a journalism major, I truly appreciate your creativity! I listen to the Bert Show religiously, when I miss it, I check out the important things online. I’ve missed you this week, I think we all have. I’ll be in the parking lot at school at 7:30 waiting to hear the news, I’m nervous & excited. Good luck on everything you do in life Situation, with or without the Bert Show.
Wow….that is what you call creativity. That story has left me hanging and will probably even lose some sleep over this whole ordeal. You do not realize how much a person is a part of your life and daily routine until they are gone. The bert show feels like part of my family. I am lucky enough to be able to listen from 7:00 am 10 every morning(thanks work for letting me have a radio). Thank you for keeping us updted through your blog and thanks to bert and the rest of the crew for keeping us up to date on the air. I am on pins and needles waiting till tomorrow at 7:30 am. I wish you and Jessica the best of luck in wherever this road takes you but I hope it leads you right back to your home at Q100. Love you Jeff and Jess.
Jeff,
Thanks for explaining things. It all makes sense. I hope you are able to stay and will be tuned in tomorrow morning.
K
Situation, if you leave I’d no longer be a customer at the t-shirt shop, however I will follow you to your new t-shirt shop as long as its local. You already have a great customer base. I can’t stand the thought of going back to The People’s T-shirt shop with its arrogant owner.
I hope you and Danny worked things out and I look forward to hearing good news when you walk out of Danny’s office tomorrow at 7:30. Either way, I’m following ya!
D*mn it! I need to know what happened now! I never thought that anything remotely related to the Jersey Shore would make me tear up. Man, I hope they let you stay. The show would not work without you.
For the brilliance of this post alone, danny should keep you at the t-shirt store. hope things all work out jeff.
Well done sir, well done.
Brilliant!! I’m glad to know The Situation wants to stay but I think his new T-shirt shop would be more successful than the old shop. I’m not in the T-shirt business but wish I could work there. Of course, we want The Situation to be happy.
Love The Situation and will really miss him if he’s off the show! I’ve listened elsewhere all this week since you’ve been gone. The rest of the Bert Show is great but there’s something missing when you’re not there. I foresee listenership taking a serious plummet if The Situation leaves! Don’t mess w/ the talent people… that’s who brings in the money!
OH HECK NO you didnt!!!
Not everyone loves or will miss The Situation…PLEASE GO to the new t-shirt shop & don’t look back!
You are soooo freakin awesome! How creative! I havent listened to the show in a quite a while sadly (now a stay at home mom) and I was devestated to hear this! Hope that he was smart and kept you on the team. Love you!!
Awesome. Definitely Awesome. In agreement with Andy Acton on this post…
Pure brilliance!
Lovin’ this metaphor!
Surely “Danny” is going to end up the most hated person in Atlanta radio. Negotiating is one thing, but there is always a human factor that should be considered. I certainly hope I hear your voice again at Q100. But, if I were you, I would have very serious concerns about working for an organization that would employ someone so manipulative – particularly when he seems to be so ready to potentially cause irrepairable damage to such a profitable media asset! Regardless of the details and who said what, the bottom line is that they need The Bert Show. Eliminating you from the equation will change the chemistry of the show. That is a fact. It doesn’t mean that the show couldn’t survive, but it’s an awfuly big gamble. It has the potential to be a “jump the shark” moment for the show. And THAT would be sad for Cumulus.
The heat is on now, “Danny”. Ante up.
Wow, Danny sounds like a real dickey!
It would have been cool if The Situation came over to the other t-shirt shop and let Pauly D help him on the show. Pauly D feels you would make the other t-shirt shop better. Danny can suck it.
I think this story proves that you would have had an awesome and sucessful t-shirt shop. Can’t wait to read part 2 even though I know how it ends…good luck to you!
You inspired my blog post for my promotional products website!